The Dark Ink

The rose-colored glasses deceive us, sometimes,
Looking through them, at people we think,
Who contains the symbol of perfection.
Only to realize, that perfection is unattainable.
Deception so strong, so deep,
We consider no life for them beyond parenting;
– Shruti Bevara

Time to drop down those rose-colored glasses, and see the grey between them. Rather, I will try to show you the grey between rainbow and sunshine (as a student of psychology) so that you don’t understand me as someone crazy.
Are you ready? To cry.
P.S. I highly encourage you to keep an open mind about it.

Who are Parents?

Let’s not hit the dictionary on this one, I mean we ain’t sitting on Wikipedia, we are at Dark Ink! We measure and analyze everything through emotional glasses.

When asked who their are parents I picture two people, mutual and in love, who decide to bring life into this world. It is that simple yet that much complicated.
The most daring, and responsible people.

“I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments when they aren’t trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom.” —Umberto Eco

We are formed by little scraps (teachings) of our parents, some we observe and learn, some we adapt, and some we experience. Shadows of our lineage, brought into light by them. No amount of monetary or material gain can be called equivalent to the infinite love and sacrifice they pour into us.

This is not a rant about how good parents are, but ways to untie the hard knots that formed in our hearts.
This is how we navigate through this article, we talk trauma, we talk perception and we talk intention.
Ready to hurt some parents and some kids??

The Unintentional Hurt –

Although it is never the intention of a parent to hurt their child, a wrong choice of word or course of action can hurt, or damage the child.
Trauma is never intentional.
It is the choice of action mixed with the undeniable circumstance, that creates Trauma.
The only way to overcome it? The ability to see beyond the trauma, to acknowledge the Intention. To understand where they come from.

Anger is an emotional boundary. A kind of protection, from the outside world.
Anger hits the head when someone crosses the invisible boundary and dares to enter the ‘no admission’ zone.
Every individual has things they like to keep to themselves. Like their little chamber of secrets. And no (tiny) amount of violation is entertained.

Things to Learn and Unlearn about Parents;

1. Focus on the intention behind the action.
Half the chaos can be controlled if one focuses on the Intention, not the Action. The purity of intention weighs more than the damageable action.

2. Anger is directly proportional to love.
The universal law of attraction is that when people love unconditionally, they show concern in the form of anger, and worry converted into lava bursting out of love.
Mothers with their unconditional, obsessive, and sacrificial love. Their anger is the result of such love.

3. First time Parents.
To acknowledge, understand, and remember, that parents are first-timers, they have no past experience in parenting. They make mistakes and navigate life through their rose-colored glasses just like you do. Becoming your parents doesn’t seat them as kings and queens, so, try not to position them up there and expect them to act correctly.
Before any ‘role’ they play in others’ lives, they are individuals, masters of their own fate and captains of their souls.
No judgment for their choices. None.

4. Vulnerability is never to be shamed.
Being raw and vulnerable about your emotions is something never to be ashamed of. We miss the simplest logic, we share every feeling with our folks, but as we grow up, (adulting) we share lesser and lesser of the ‘real’ feelings with them.
Why? To protect them? Or us? To escape judgment? Criticism? Is there any valid reason as to why we start to drift off of them when we hit our teens?

5. Acceptance and Forgiveness with some expectations.
I don’t say our parents are absolute saints and haven’t made any mistakes, they have, a fair share, as a matter of fact, and that is the absolute reason, they tend to ‘control’ us from walking down the same path, they had to, once.

They try to live their failed dreams, through us. (Expectations)

Acceptance and forgiveness are an in-built feature of them. Be it your words, actions, or merely feelings that cause pain to them, they somehow find the right amount of strength to forgive us and accept us for being so naïve.
Yes, I said ‘strength’ because it takes a lot of power, and a lot of courage to look beyond your intelligence, and your perception and forgive someone for their fault.

6. Remind yourself, they grow old as you age.
Driven by inspiration, dreams, and goals we forget our folks are growing as we age. Watch them closely, because they are wrinkling too, they are becoming a child again too. They need the same love and nurture they gave us once. You know how to fulfill the need.

7. Patience is a virtue with them.
Remember the time you had to be taught to walk, speak, and everything! Yeah, it is time to pay back their kindness, time to become their parent, their root, their protector (Kahu). With patience. Yeah, I know you have places to be, things to do, and dreams you want to achieve. But there is nothing more important than having your loved ones around to share the joy, success, and growth.

Key Takeaways –

Never expect Life to be fair. Never expect it to wait while you pull yourself together. Because it ain’t gonna wait for you. Never waited for anyone, never will.

Mom used to say “Time never waits for no one, so pull yourself together and hustle.”

Never understood why she was so hard on me, so strict with rules, and always wanted me to pull my A game together. Until, one day, I was on my own, out in the vicious world, trying to leave a permanent mark, (my name) on the world.

Whatever we are today, our characters, strengths, and principles we follow, are a reflection of their parenting. We carry our roots wherever we go, they are the roots, we stand straight because they chose to hold us, support us, and vow to always have our backs.

Adulting brings in a TSUNAMI of emotional, financial, and responsible growth. The catch is we have to manage everything while maintaining our mental sanity, which is hard, most of the time. Resulting failure.
The key is to find and maintain balance.

Do you want to know what I regret?
Not spending enough time with my grandpa, I was not ready for him to leave. I was not ready to live in a world where his existence was in memories.
Spend time with people you care about, and tell them how important they are, because one day, one fine morning, when you wake up thinking you have time, disappointment will hit like a truck.
Grief will kick in and make a huge void in your heart that nobody else can fill in.

So, hug them if you are with them while reading this blog, call them up, say you miss them, talk to them about your day, and if they left us, look up to the sky and thank them for being there in your life for the brief time, and thank them for protecting you from the heavens.
We remain children till our parents exist. Their existence is proof that we still have space to be a kid, to live and love like a child.

This piece was not to make you cry, reader. I apologize if I had any hand in your tears.
This was just a way to remind each other to express our gratitude, and love to people who make our world brighter, a small appreciation for the the unconditional love and sacrifice and all those harsh lessons we needed to become what we are today.

I thank my parents in the form of memories, and words, I see their efforts, their concerns, and their love, even if they are literally yelling at the top of their lungs! I see you Amma and Papa, and my sister too, occasionally.
I am grateful for everything you do for me.

Until next time.
Stay True! Stay Positive! Stay You!
Shruti